Ashes Ashes
by bookworm299
Summary: You lost your family once already. Had your heart torn out. You made the wrong choice. But you did it for love. Far easier to hate than love. You weren't evil. But you'd always been a little actress. Somehow you even convinced yourself along the way. You forgot, and only now you remember how bad it hurts to fall. "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down" as your cousin used to sing.


A/N: This is for the 'Fall from Grace' challenge…I was bored.

Disclaimer: I really don't own Harry Potter…man does veritaserum taste nasty…

Title: Ashes, ashes, you fall down

Summary: You lost your family once already. Had your heart torn out. You made the wrong choice. But you did it for love. One that won't end in madness or grief. Far easier to hate than love. You weren't evil. But you'd always been a little actress. Somehow you even convinced yourself along the way. You forgot, and only now you remember how bad it hurts to fall. Like that muggle nursery rhyme you heard your cousin singing so long ago. Ashes, ashes, your finally fell down…

Narcrissa Black was the youngest of the five. She was the pride and joy. She had mastered the art of acting and faking by the time she was three. It became natural. All pureblood, grey eyes and blond hair. You learned that speaking out got you in trouble. So you never asked questions. Never said you thought it wrong. Or didn't really understand or agree. You were the fragile one. The one that had them wrapped around your little finger.

Bellatrix went off to Hogwarts first. Slytherin through and through. Perhaps a bit mad. But a pride and joy. Then Andromeda left. Cloaked in snakeskin green. Though she seemed a bit sorrowed at it. You never told. But you saw her breaking away. And it scared you. So, you clung and she left you behind.

Sirius went of to Gryffindor. The only one. He was white not Black you thought. He was the one to disagree and argue. You saw what came with it. Disowned. Blasted off the tapestry. But he had the muggle-borns and blood-traitors. You never really liked the term mudblood…

Regulus fought against his brother. He always wanted attention. But he turned traitor and died for it. Not that you were supposed to know. Not that you were supposed to mourn. Or to try and reconcile with Andy. Tell her not every was evil. You knew Sirius was innocent too. You knew him well. But you never told. Locked up your heart so it wouldn't shatter. Not again. Still bared hidden scars.

You went off to Hogwarts and were Slytherin. Like your sisters. Like Regulus. You acted like it too. A part of you wanted to be sorted else where. Follow your cousin. Or perhaps be like Andy. But you were always the scared little actress and you played your part so well for so long you didn't know were you ended and the role started. You became the thing you despised. Not that you acknowledged the fact you cared. That you cared far to much. You still swear to this day the sorting hat knew. The sorting hat had said you would have a choice to make. That your heart would guide you. Cryptic riddles. Riddle. Perhaps you imagined it. But it planted that worry in your head. A tether. Not that you acted on it. You denied your heart for so long it was almost natural.

But then you fell and fell hard. For one of the ones you despised. A pureblood. All blond hair and grey eyes. A year above you. And you think your heart just might heal. That you could still salvage and cling to the last bits of love in hope left in your heart. That you'd have a family again. Then you grow up and get married and have a choice to make. The one you've been skirting around all your life. And you use your heart. Your still not sure if it was that little angel or devil from muggle cartoons that guided you. But you would do anything to protect your son. Narcrissa Black became Narcrissa Malfoy. Bad faith. You didn't have to pretend anymore. You dug yourself far to deep to climb out. Not without telling. Not without ripping out your own heart…

When Draco makes Slytherin your happy. And that scares you. Thinking of what happened in your sorting. What the sorting hat said… but the past is the past and should be laid to rest. So you put on the mask and think it's getting far to easy to be evil. The dark mark tingling. But you forget your heart and your doubts and forget your playing a part. A game. You don't know the rules. You don't hold the cards. But you act like you do and you start to believe it. Your fall from grace.

You start to judge. You care for the pureblood standing. Ignore your family. Only Bellatrix was worthy. She scared you as a child but you acted as if she didn't. she wasn't in control anymore. You lost sight of that tether. Your heart encased in ice. Walls built up around it. After all. Your Narcrissa. Pureblood. All blond hair and grey eyes. With the world at your feet. The cards in the palm of your hand. The mask fits in place and doesn't fall. You start to forget. It's natural. You even start to believe…

Then the Potter boy frees that house elf and you think that it's something Regulus would have done. But it hurts to think of him and it drags up bad memories, so you stop and stick your nose in the air. You act like you don't care. Convince yourself you don't. Somehow, it's getting far easier…

Then Sirius escapes Azkaban and you think about how you swear he's innocent and that something must be going on. How he must have escaped because it. You remember how he's Potter's godfather and you tell Draco. You're still not sure if it was your heart telling him so Har-Potter could learn the truth. Or if it was the mask, the one you believe and that fits so well, telling him to give Potter hell. Then you learn that your cousin's old friend Lupin, the werewolf, is taking over the defense post and you nearly laugh at the irony before you remember you're supposed to hate him now. You don't know why you don't tell Draco. Maybe some part of you is still loyal to that unspoken rule of your childhood. No one questions you. You can breathe again. The current sweeps you away. You're getting to deep. You've lost the way back. Finally took the fall from grace. But the tether long forgotten still clings you to the edge. If only just.

Then the Quidditch world cup rolls around and you cheer quietly as you did as a child and remember how obsessed Regulus was as a seeker and Sirius as a beater. Then you see Potter and the Weasley's and that Granger girl and you stick your nose in the air and push away the aches of your heart. Of the painful memories long suppressed. You really don't know where you stand really. Never truly did. You never admit defeat easy and you take it in a stride. You were still in control. Still had the world at your fingertips. A word that was tipping slightly…

Then the dark lord rises and you learn Pettigrew is alive and it all just clicks into place. How your cousin's friend framed and betrayed him. The animagus forms, how Sirius escaped. But you stay loyal and act as if you don't recognize him and feel the mark burn with not quite enough intensity to erase the bleeding ache of your heart… your beginning to understand though you keep the denial. You couldn't lose your family again. You keep the façade…

Then Bellatrix kills Sirius and you force yourself to cheer and laugh and ignore the regret and guilt and sorrow and pretend you don't see the fractured, grief filled regret in your eldest sisters eyes or the pain and remorse in your other sisters. You cry yourself to sleep that night. You never let anyone see a trace of the tears. Nor have you ever. Poor fragile Narcrissa finally had to be strong…

Then your son is in danger and it threatens to tear your heart out. It's not fair and you're about to finally lose it. About to break. Then your niece you never met marries the werewolf and Severus kills Dumbledore. He saves your son. You know his loyalties always lied with Lily Evans and still did. But he had a chance. You never really did.

Then the war begins and the battles rage and you cling to your family like you always have. You try vainly to protect your son and you finally understand what the sorting hat said all those years ago. You save Potter life. Repay your son's life debt. You find it fitting. Potter could destroy the dark lord. Save your son. You finally found your tether. Made the right choice. Even if it took you this long… and you learn that all your cousin's friends had finally died. None lived to the end of the war. Your niece as well. But her son and your son and you sister Andy was still alive. You were redeemed and had your family and lived. You didn't have to break your heart again…

And it seemed a little like that old muggle nursery rhyme Sirius used to sing to annoy Bella. You find it fits your life a bit to well. Because you burned all the bridges and wore a mask only to finally fall into what you'd been fighting. You were on the fence and fell and didn't know which side you landed on until now… you finally got your happy ending. And truth be told you didn't even now anymore. Because pretending may be easier but remembering was better. If bittersweet and hurtful. But you're far to used to the aches and scars and marks to care. You've just been playing a game. Finally time to see if you're going to win or lose.

_Ring around the rosés_

You've been twirling in circles far to long.

_A pocket full of posies_

Full of memories and regret you swear you don't feel

_Ashes, ashes we all fall down_

The bridges burned and you were left scared.

You fell like you swore you never would.

Like all your family before.

And still don't know which side of the fence your on.

It was oddly fitting you realize.

What destroyed you?

Also, saved you.

And it was a bittersweet ending.

But you never believed in fairytales…


End file.
